The Monster on my Back

I’ve had this written on my phone for close to a year, and if I’m honest I could never decide on the right time to publish it. But being that it’s Mental Health Awareness Month I felt it was right to publish it. We have all suffered for Mental Health at least once in our lives, and although what we’re suffering through can seem trivial to others. For you it’s the biggest deal and shouldn’t be ignored. I feel weird saying ‘I hope you enjoy this’ but I just hope it helps people to get talking and to not suffer alone.

There’s a monster on my back. A fat, ugly monster with dull yellowing eyes, Puss seeping out of its pours, teeth black and broken and a stench mixture of vomit and stale smoke, it’s almost impossible to ignore, although it can be invisible to others, feeding on your happiness, leaving only sadness and despair.

It can appear after a moment of trauma, from internet trolls, even from a passing comment from a friend or enemy who said it only to win an argument but instead it opens a satchel of insecurity and self-hatred. It can even take hold of you with no explanation as to why you were it’s target.

You may find it’s with you wherever you go. It’s there when you look in the mirror, it’s the last thing you think about while you lie in bed trying to drop off to sleep and it’s the fist thing you think about when you wake up in the morning.

It makes you doubt yourself whenever you make a decision. It’s ruins your self-esteem and self-confidence. It denies you the chance to think of a brighter future. It highlights the negative and overpowers any attempt to think positively.

It thinks by speaking loudly, drowning out support from other people, that it’ll win. But just because someone talks loudly, it doesn’t mean they’re right or in control. It speaks loudly because it knows it’s one weakness is if the host talks to someone, and it doesn’t need to be someone specific, it can be anybody you feel comfortable talking to, a loved one, a friend, a colleague or a doctor. But once that initial contact happens, the healing can begin. So my advice to you is don’t suffer alone.

There are plenty of people in your life who care about you, who are well aware of the depression monster targeting people. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it is not a weakness because the way you are feeling is not a true representation of who you are. Its a foreign entity that doesn’t belong.

Below is a link that can provide you with more information about depression and

https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/about-mental-health/types-problems/depression

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